04 September 2009

Robbie Williams to release new single, 'Destination Failure' (or something)

Further to my previous post about beached manatee Robbie Williams, I have today had the good fortune to listen to his forthcoming new single, Bodies. You can listen to it here if you wish, but you may want to have a towel handy to stuff into your mouth to stop yourself from laughing and/or throwing up on your keyboard.

I say it was good fortune purely because it made my day, and not because I was impressed by what his label describes as the "apocalyptic conspiracy-laced" nature of this musical feast.

Put simply, it's terrible. Really REALLY terrible. Robbie, in between stuffing meat pies into his filthy craw, has described the single as a "turning point in his career" that will determine his future direction. I think I can give him a good idea of his future direction, if pointers is what he needs: it will be straight to the Mr Kipling aisle of his local Asda to cram as many battenburgs (or as he calls them, 'hug substitutes') into his fat pudding face before he gets whisked back off to rehab.

Just in case listening to the song doesn't impress its full majesty upon you, I think it is worth transcribing some of the lyrics:

Bodies in the Bodhi tree (<-- what the fuck?)
Bodies making chemistry (<-- no)
Bodies are my family
Bodies in the way of me
Bodies in the cemetery
And that's the way it's gonna be

All we've ever wanted
Is to look good naked (<-- ha! vain hope, porker)
Hope that someone can take it
God save me rejection
From my reflection
I want perfection

It's awesome isn't it? He must have employed a really good lyricist to write that. Either that or he consulted Natasha Bedingfield's masterpiece, The Big Book of Shit Lyrics and got them from there.

As you can tell, I'm not a huge fan. In fact, I really don't like Robbie Williams, I think he's a fat twat who needs putting out to pasture. But that works out fine, because thanks to this single pretty soon everyone else will be thinking that too.


Danielle said...


He's not fat anymore!

Anonymous said...

Another Robbie Williams rant for my reading pleasure. Huzzah! On balence I think the first one was a tad more vicious but this post made me laugh more.

superlative said...

"He's not fat anymore!"

I agree that his weight does yo-yo up and down, usually in proportion to how successful Take That are at the time. They've done quite well this year, so I imagine he's hovering around the 24 stone mark at the moment.

In any case, even when he's not fat of body, I think you'll agree he remains fat of head.