Update to the homosexual dilemma

I'm still pondering what to do about my brother's wedding, and haven't really managed to decide yet. I've talked to a few friends about it, but their advice has varied quite a bit and hasn't always been that helpful. Mostly people just don't really understand, and why would they? It's a funny thing being gay and hiding it from people. You get so used to doing it when you're growing up, but then at some point you think "why am I doing this again?". And it's all very well for people to say "well they'll just have to accept it won't they?", but it doesn't really work like that, and it's different when it's you and your life at issue.

Anyway, I think that it's looking most likely that Chris will just come to the evening of the wedding as a general 'evening guest'. That's probably the most discreet option while still allowing me to have him there. I'm not going to know that many people during the day and the dinner, which isn't going to be great as I find socialising a bit hard and normally rely on Chris a bit to do the talking with new acquaintances, but I'll just have to manage for once. And then at least if he comes in the evening, by which time my parents will be leaving, I'll have him to talk to from then.

I still think it'll be a bit obvious because it's not like we'll each be circulating around talking to other people individually, we'll just latch onto each other once he arrives. But fuck it, what else can I do? And by that stage my grandad will probably be gone so the chances of a scene will be minimised, and I reckon I can handle any of the other family members if they did decide to ask me outright.

Maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of it, I don't know. But it is a big deal when you're going to get judged negatively by people for who you are and it's essentially beyond your control. It's a very frustrating feeling.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Birthday and brainfreeze

Yesterday was Chris' birthday, so we had a nice meal out and then went to see Dara O'Briain's stand up show at the Dome. It was good, he's very funny, but I'm glad we were sitting towards the back because he bases a large part of the show on talking to people near the front. I can't imagine anything worse than if he were to start asking me questions. But he didn't anyway, so it was fine.

I think I preferred the Simon Amstell show we saw a few months ago, but Chris said he liked Dara more. There was one bit where he started laying into homeopathy and two haughty-looking women in amber jewellery sitting in front of us really noticeably stopped laughing. Clearly stepping on some toes there I thought, but it's their fault for believing in the healing power of a glass of water. If I'm ever in a car crash I certainly won't be hoping that a homeopath will happen to be passing.

Also I may, or may not, have had another bout of forgetfulness. It's difficult to tell - how can you remember if you've forgotten something? There was no card from Chris' Mum on his birthday, but she thought she'd put it in the bag with his present (which I had squirreled away). And now I don't know if I put it somewhere else. I may have done. Or Chris' Mum, who is also forgetful, may never have given it to me. I just don't know. I also couldn't remember yesterday if I'd washed up my mug at work - the only way I could tell was to look at it and see it was clean so yes I must have done. But I literally had only done it 15 minutes before, but still couldn't remember. I think it's because I'm bored at the moment. Work is really dull, so my brain turns in on itself and I think about things in my head all day, and just wander around doing things on autopilot without actually taking them in.

On a more positive note, the students are back now so I finally have something to look at out of my window! They haven't made any of them get topless yet, but there have been a couple of cute medical students, and I'm sure they'll need to do some male physiology at some point...

Blogged with the Flock Browser

A homosexual dilemma

I'm having a bit of a dilemma about my brother's wedding next year. Unlike my wedding, to which I simply didn't invite them, there will be a number of family members on my Dad's side at my brother's wedding who don't know about me enjoying the boy love. So I'm in a predicament about what to do regarding Chris and taking him with me or not.

Historically, this hasn't been much of a problem because I hardly ever see that side of the family, and I'm more than adept at side-stepping the occasional "haven't you got a girlfriend yet" question once every six months when I do see them. I'm also not particularly close to them (i.e. I don't actually like them), so have seen no reason to share that side of my life with them.

I don't particularly care if people like my uncle or cousins know; their opinion is basically meaningless to me. I do resent the idea that they would quite possibly look down on me if they knew, when in fact they are fairly mediocre individuals who have no right to look down on me at all, but I could probably live with it by simply never seeing or thinking about them ever again. But in the past I have dug my heels in about my grandad knowing. Not, of course, because I care that much about his opinion either; he's a cantankerous and rude old man who has always been quick to voice his negative judgements about me and my brother and has traditionally favoured our cousins because they are "good with their hands" rather than academic achievers. The reason has been that he is fairly wealthy and I haven't wanted to be screwed out of my inheritance by his bigoted attitudes after all these years of putting up with him.

So it has been very easy these past ten years simply not to tell them, rarely to see them, and when my Mum asks "wouldn't it nice for it to be out in the open?" for me to reply that no it would not.

But Dave's wedding will bring things to a head. They've said they would love for Chris to be there as he's family and has a right to be there, but that they'll leave the decision up to me. So do I:

• take him as my partner and out myself at the wedding, possibly causing a scene at Dave's wedding which I do not want to do
• out myself in advance of the wedding and then take Chris, again with the potential for a scene
  
• take him as my secret partner but officially just as a friend of Dave and Janine's who is sitting on the same table as me (might be a bit obvious, don't know)
• go on my own but then have Chris come later to the evening along with other evening guests
• go without Chris at all, and when asked "when are you getting married then?" refrain from replying "I got married last year thanks, you just weren't invited"

Oh it's so difficult. Would people guess if Chris were there not as my boyfriend? My grandad probably not, but uncles possibly. And then there is always the risk that someone in Janine's family (who presumably all know about me, there's no reason they wouldn't) might get chatting to one of them and ask if they enjoyed my wedding last year (clang, huge piece of metal hits marble floor).

And do I still care if they know? Not really. If I'm excommunicated I won't be that bothered, I just won't have to endure my grandad at Christmas any more. But I do care that it might be my Dad that gets flack off my grandad for it (although he'd probably tell him to shut his face), and I don't want to inflict that upon him. I don't even care that much about the money any more.

Hum. Don't know. Whatever I choose has the potential to be a disaster.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Sleepless of Brighton

I hate the fact that I can be too tired to sleep. Where's the point in that as a biological process? I've been exhausted all day and desperate for bed, so I end up going to bed quite early, and then two hours later I'm still awake. Chris is out without me, again, so I feel like a loser, again. I just don't have the energy to keep up with him, certainly not two nights in a row. It's really quite depressing and makes me feel like I've already turned into my mother. I hate it.

Not getting involved

I read today about a man who was killed on Sunday after stepping in to stop someone being attacked. I find things like that quite upsetting, because it means that you can't risk being a good citizen about anything any more. No matter what you see, vandalism or an attack or any antisocial behaviour, you have to think "no I can't get involved, it's too much of a risk, I could get killed".

When did we slide into having so little respect for each other? Most people are still good and decent aren't they? I wouldn't dream of attacking someone or verbally abusing someone or trying to steal things. So it's just a small minority of people who have learnt that you can probably get away with any behaviour, because the police will never arrive in time and no-one will intervene to stop you out of fear. And somehow they have no empathy, they don't care how they affect other people and they have no respect for them. I'm sure it would be a different story if their own grandmother got mugged and raped though, or if someone smashed their car up just for a laugh.

I came home a week or so ago in the evening, and as I walked into our building I realised there were two or three men doing some form of drugs (the one where you heat up a teaspoon, I don't know what that is) in the park at the back, right by our back gate. I was appalled; children live in our building, and they were doing it right there, and barely spared me a glance. But what was I going to do? If I'd told them to clear off out of it, they would either have ignored me or become aggressive and shot me or something. So I went inside and thought "I'll call the police" - that's all you can do these days. Not 999 of course, it's not an emergency, so I just rang the station. After ten minutes on hold waiting even to report it, I gave up, and a few minutes after that the men were gone anyway. Even if I had got through, the police would never have arrived in time to do anything about it.

I think it's awful, really really bad. The Conservatives have recently announced plans to make it less likely that you'll get prosecuted yourself if you step in to stop a crime. But what good is that going to do exactly? I know it's ridiculous that if you apprehend a mugger you might get charged with assault, but changing the way the law works can't make stepping in any safer. You could still get yourself killed. So people will continue to walk on by for their own safety.

I'm beginning to see the attraction of living in a gated community. Other people are horrible.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Columbo returns

We got the car back finally from the garage yesterday, and he appears to be all better now. He's got a new bumper on the middle and left bit (which now doesn't match the right hand bit, but never mind), and a new wheel, and he seemed OK when we drove him home. It's quite nice to have him back, I'm quite attached to our little car. We had to pay the £150 excess, and we still haven't really heard what the outcome of all the insurance claims is, but hopefully the worst part of the sorting out should be over with now.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Blog redesign

I'm very disappointed that I spent ages redesigning my blog and not one person has commented on it. Tsk.

I'm not sure I like it anyway, it wasn't quite how I imagined it in my head. I might do another design, maybe something bluer. God knows I need something to occupy my time at the moment.

Blogged with the Flock Browser