11 reasons why you haven't got a boyfriend

The next issue of Attitude magazine will feature an article entitled '11 reasons why you haven't got a boyfriend, and what you can do about it'.

For no particular reason, I and a couple of fellow homeowners on Twitter have compiled our own list of 11 reasons why gay men frequently fail to have or retain a boyfriend, despite purporting to desperately want one. Please find them below.

1. Because you panic every time you get one and dump him.
2. Because you're a slag and would rather sleep around than go steady with someone.
3. Because you try to pull people based solely on looks, and then are surprised when they have a shitty personality
4. Because you're ugly and smelly and no one wants to go near you.
5. Because most men are dickheads, so the chances of having at least one dickhead in the relationship are unreasonably high.
6. Because you're the kind of person who reads 'How to get a boyfriend' articles in magazines.
7. Because you scare them off by being clingy and calling them every 20 minutes.
8. Because some dick hurt you so badly before you're overly wary of getting into something new.
9. Because you stay at home all the time and never go out and meet real people.
10. Because you don't know the difference between sex and intimacy.
11. Because you have unrealistic expectations of your 'ideal boyfriend' that don't correspond to any actual humans.

I am fairly confident that the above reasons, in various combinations, accurately describe the difficulty lots of gay men have with relationships. Number 4 is particularly harsh; I didn't write that one, but I'm sure it is a significant impediment to some people. They do unfortunately describe several people that I actually know.

We haven't proposed any solutions to the problems we've described, but that is partly because that part is far less fun, and partly because they are kind of obvious (i.e. avoid doing or being items 1 to 11).

I'm quite looking forward to reading the Attitude article now, so I can see how closely they match and then sue them for breach of copyright.