Robbie Williams to release new single, 'Destination Failure' (or something)

Further to my previous post about beached manatee Robbie Williams, I have today had the good fortune to listen to his forthcoming new single, Bodies. You can listen to it here if you wish, but you may want to have a towel handy to stuff into your mouth to stop yourself from laughing and/or throwing up on your keyboard.

I say it was good fortune purely because it made my day, and not because I was impressed by what his label describes as the "apocalyptic conspiracy-laced" nature of this musical feast.

Put simply, it's terrible. Really REALLY terrible. Robbie, in between stuffing meat pies into his filthy craw, has described the single as a "turning point in his career" that will determine his future direction. I think I can give him a good idea of his future direction, if pointers is what he needs: it will be straight to the Mr Kipling aisle of his local Asda to cram as many battenburgs (or as he calls them, 'hug substitutes') into his fat pudding face before he gets whisked back off to rehab.

Just in case listening to the song doesn't impress its full majesty upon you, I think it is worth transcribing some of the lyrics:

Bodies in the Bodhi tree (<-- what the fuck?)

Bodies making chemistry (<-- no)

Bodies are my family

Bodies in the way of me

Bodies in the cemetery

And that's the way it's gonna be

All we've ever wanted

Is to look good naked (<-- ha! vain hope, porker)

Hope that someone can take it

God save me rejection

From my reflection

I want perfection

It's awesome isn't it? He must have employed a really good lyricist to write that. Either that or he consulted Natasha Bedingfield's masterpiece, The Big Book of Shit Lyrics and got them from there.

As you can tell, I'm not a huge fan. In fact, I really don't like Robbie Williams, I think he's a fat twat who needs putting out to pasture. But that works out fine, because thanks to this single pretty soon everyone else will be thinking that too.

Robbie Williams is a fat loser

Professional fat-face Robbie Williams has apparently been talking up a reunion with Take That. He's such a fat desperate loser! He clearly can't stand that they are successful again while he hasn't had a record for... how long? Maybe if he paused long enough to wipe the gravy from his pie-filled chin he'd be able to do some singing.

I've never liked Robbie Williams. Actually, to be fair, when he was in Take That I didn't mind him, I just thought he was a twat. But then he got these delusions of being much better than them and swanned off on his own, and on top of that was even really mean about them even though no-one would ever have heard of him if it weren't for Take That. So that just finished him off for me.

Yes he had some OK songs, and I'm not saying he can't sing, but his arrogant twattiness completely overrides everything else. All his music videos are really self-indulgent (I'm a James Bond, I'm winning gold at figure skating, I'm stripping off and thinking I'm sexy even though I look like a silverback gorilla, etc.), so I can't even bear to watch them.

And then Take That made their comeback, and have enjoyed quite a lot of success, and oo look! Robbie's having a nervous breakdown. No no, it's not related, they all say rather kindly, but it's rather coincidental isn't it?

And now he wants in on it. Well Gary shouldn't let him, not after he was so mean, and he wouldn't even appear on that reunion TV programme they did or anything. He should say "I'm sorry, but we can't afford to have the studio doors widened enough for Robbie to drag his fat arse in there, so we won't be able to record anything with him".

I hope they say no. And then laugh. And then release an album called "Remember Robbie Williams? No? Neither do we."